The Dark Side of Grit and Why Quitting Might Be the Real Power Move

We’ve all been told to “never give up” — but what if that mindset has a dark side?
This episode breaks down new psychological research, highlighted in New Scientist, showing that relentless grit and pushing through at all costs can actually harm wellbeing… and that knowing when to quit is a powerful skill.

Eimear unpacks the science behind healthy goal disengagement, why stopping is sometimes the smartest move you can make, and how letting go can open doors you couldn’t see while you were busy forcing something to work.

If you’ve been wrestling with whether to keep going or walk away from a goal, this conversation will give you a fresh, liberating perspective.

In This Episode

• The surprising downside of “grit culture”
• Why stubborn persistence isn’t always a virtue
• What psychological research reveals about the benefits of quitting
• How to recognise when a goal no longer fits
• The difference between giving up and making an aligned decision
• A simple framework to help you know whether it’s time to let go

Links

• Book a Breakthrough Call: https://eimearzone.as.me/breakthrough
  
  
• Learn more about The Confidence Key: https://eimearzone.com/confidence-coaching/
• Buy Eimear's Books on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/stores/Eimear-Zone/author/B07KFYZW3H

CONNECT WITH EIMEAR

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© 2025 Eimear Zone Coaching. All rights reserved.

Transcript

[00:00:00] Hi, I am your host Eimear Zone. This week we're talking about quite a delicate topic, and that is the topic of quitting. Yes, giving up on things, the thing we've been conditioned to fear, avoid, shame ourselves over, especially as women, giving up. Oof such a weakness. So shameful. Must try harder because we've been told and sold that grit is good and perseverance is noble.

And quitting is like a failure, right? All these messages, willpower, keep going, never give up. But what if the science is saying something different? There's a brand new article this week in the New Scientist that really breaks down what psychologists are now referring to as , Productive Quitting, and [00:01:00] honestly, it's quite liberating.

It's healing even. It's the antidote to a lot of the bro culture and the burnout culture, and I think for women, particularly midlife women, women who are reinventing, stepping into a new chapter, this is really gold. This is really, really helpful. So let's have a look at it.

I think we're raised. First of all, if we think about our culture, and I'm recording this from where I live in the US, There's this belief system that worships the grind. It worships being busy and messages around, don't give up, never give up. The person who succeeds is the person who just holds on just that little bit longer and just won't give up.

And if you quit, you're weak. And just grit at all costs basically. And I think women especially internalize this because we've [00:02:00] been perhaps rewarded our whole lives for being the dependable ones, the ones who hold it all together, who get it done no matter what. And if you are a parent, there's, you've been involved in

 loving labor, raising a child, but where there was never an option really to quit. So it's this messaging to hold it all together, even if it's breaking us. But psychologists are now calling this maladaptive persistence, like sticking with goals long past the point where they are serving us. And I was thinking about this when obviously I picked up the article here it is a November article when people are, reviewing their year.

What did I achieve? What goals did I meet? Which ones did I miss? Where do I need to double down? Where are the gaps? What am I gonna be thinking and planning for 2026? And it was quite revolutionary and sort of unusual and [00:03:00] caught my attention to see something that was like, hey. Maybe it's time to quit your goals.

So the research is really interesting and it's also clear, but women who are clinging I'm gonna say women a lot, and it refers to just people, humans, but women who cling to outdated goals, experience more stress, more anxiety, and more health issues than women who know when to stop. So let's just take that in.

It's not just, oh, I'm a little bit disappointed because I gave up on a goal, or I'll just keep going. I'll, hold on, I'll never. People who are staying completely loyal to outdated goals are experiencing the stress, anxiety, and even health issues. It's impacting them on a physical level. So let's have a look at what that actually means.

What's the detail around that message? [00:04:00] So there's a psychologist who is cited in this research and in this article, and his name is Carsten Wrosch at Concordia University. And he has spent literally decades studying this, and he's created what is called the Goal Adjustment Scale, which measures two things.

The first thing is your ability to disengage from a goal that's no longer working, and we'll talk about the no longer working part in a minute. And two, your ability to create new goals that feel meaningful. And the sweet spot is really both where you have high disengagement, your ability to disengage from a goal that's no longer serving you, it's not working anymore, and then high reengagement, so you're able to create new goals, that are meaningful for you.

And here's what he found. Here's what Wrosch found. People who stubbornly stick to their original [00:05:00] goals are less satisfied with life. I mean, I found this really well. It rang true and also it was kind of a little bit surprising because the messaging is so strong around the, just keep going, never give up.

A success is just somebody who tried one more time. And this is the first time really in this, looking at this research that I've seen so much nuance in this area. And reading it, it feels like common sense, you know, letting go of a goal that doesn't serve us. But I don't know about you, but I've often been quite blinkered in the, just keep going.

Just keep going. It's all very, what's that? Nemo? Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. And I'm wondering, Hey, where in my life am I stubbornly sticking to a goal perhaps that doesn't serve me? So when Wrosch talks about being less satisfied with life, he [00:06:00] mentions that these people can have higher levels of inflammation, that's bloody dangerous.

There can be more depression, more anxiety, increased markers of immune dysfunction, bloody hell, higher risk of chronic illness, and higher cortisol levels. And then when you think about the alternative side of this, the other side is like the people who can let go. People who can decide and discern this goal no longer serves me, and it's time to let it go.

They have higher psychological wellbeing, healthier immune systems, fewer stress related illnesses, record more life satisfaction, and they're just more adaptable. So quitting can literally make you healthier. It is crazy really because I always associated, it's all quitter loser failure, right?

This, when you think about the negative narrative that can go on in our [00:07:00] heads when we're in, you know, self-judgment loops, it can be on this theme of quitting and giving up and you didn't follow through, and all of those kind of dark self judging thoughts. And seeing this research, I think it really illuminates a pathway out of that black and white thinking.

And offers a really healthy perspective on what it looks like to live a fulfilling life. By bringing in this sense of agility around our goals, where we are auditing them really to understand, does this still serve me? Is this mindless grit and perseverance? Is there a smarter way to be approaching this?

Does this still serve me? So let's look at why it's so hard to quit beyond what I've shared already. And the [00:08:00] article really nails this beautifully, but I wanna bring it home, particularly when we're thinking about women and women in midlife. And one of the things that strikes me is that. Often we are, you know, we're raised to, to be nice.

We're conditioned to please and finish what you started. Be easy, don't disappoint, don't be a problem. I think those are messages that kind of get tangled in here and can carry some energy that puts us on this pathway of just keep going. Another thing is that we fuse our identity to the goal, we make it mean something about who we are.

So if I stop doing this, if I stop pursuing this goal, then who am I? And when you don't have a good answer to the who am I? Or you feel a bit lost because you just placed so much of [00:09:00] your identity in the pursuit of a goal that is very tricky territory. And then thirdly, we moralize persistence. And this is what I mean by that.

We think if I quit, I'm flaky. If I quit, I'm weak. If I quit, I'm a failure. It's not that at all. If, you quit something with intention, you know you're choosing yourself. So I want to look at a middle pathway here that I found really interesting and it was from new research from a researcher called Zita Meyer in Zurich, and he shares a concept called Goal Shelving.

Which is like not giving up on something forever, but maybe putting a goal down with intention, with agency, with autonomy. You're fully acknowledging that this is a clear choice, so it preserves your identity. Like if [00:10:00] I used to play the piano, I might return to it later without carrying the weight of I gave up piano, I failed.

Because when you think about it, we have busy lives, we have competing priorities and goals, and sometimes the situations in our life require us to maybe shelve a particular goal and shaming ourselves for that is so counterproductive. It's, equating it to a failure to sort of stop playing the piano for a while.

But when we think about it in this middle pathway of, I'm shelving that for a while, that can be particularly helpful. And it's also helpful to think about, when you will pick it up again, which can be, after I complete this project, or when my kids are, I don't know, seven or in school or something.

So attaching an "If-Then" to this practice of Goal Shelving when things get [00:11:00] pressured a little bit and you have to give priority to one thing and set aside something else temporarily that can be very helpful. So this can sound like this isn't right, right now, or this isn't aligned with this chapter of my life, or I'll revisit this goal when the season is right.

So it's not quitting in shame. It's bringing a lot of intention into the decision making process. It's quitting in power. So my favorite phrase in the article when we're looking at this psychology of productive quitting was, that productive quitting is intentional. It's grounded, it's conscious.

And that means asking ourselves, is this goal still aligned with the path that I'm on right now? Does it still serve me? Is it costing me more than it's giving me? That's a big one. Is it costing me [00:12:00] more than it's giving me. The third one? Am I pursuing this goal out of true desire or conditioning?

So you're talking about, is this really my goal or have I inherited it from somebody else? Is it kind of a "Should Goal"? Is it a goal oriented towards external validation? So really auditing the goal to see, does this truly serve me now? And maybe a fourth question when you're thinking about this, is, does continuing this help me grow or is it keeping me stuck?

Does it help me grow? Or is it keeping me stuck? So this really isn't giving up, throwing in the towel, it's choosing your next chapter consciously. Let's look at the emotional costs now of clinging to old goals. If we are not doing this auditing, if we are not [00:13:00] practicing productive quitting, what does it look like if we are just clinging to old goals?

I think many of us will cling to outdated goals because we're terrified of being seen as a quitter. But the psychological cost is enormous. This is like sunk cost bias. You know? I'll keep investing in this because I've already invested so much already. And that's a terrible mistake to make, to keep paying the price of something when it has a negative impact on you, just because you've already invested however much time, however much money, however much energy.

The research shows that our emotional distress increases, our self-esteem decreases. We're not getting anywhere. We're not making progress. We're not making enough progress. Very weighty. We experience more guilt, there's more regret, there's more anxiety. Just even as I'm speaking [00:14:00] about this, I'm contracting as I'm just talking about, it just feels so heavy.

And that's because in the body you're having, you know, cortisol spike, immune function dropping, inflammation increasing and it's wild because society tells us that quitting is what's dangerous. But we really need to rethink this. We really need to bring clarity and conscious consideration to this area.

Am I clinging to an old goal that no longer serves me? So let's look at a simple framework at, you know, how to know when to quit. So here are some questions that were offered by the researchers and that I use in my coaching practice that are helpful for evaluating goals and knowing when to quit. So, question one, is this goal truly mine or was it inherited?

Is it a parent's dream that [00:15:00] I'm pursuing, a societal expectation? Is it some fantasy of my past self? Second question, is this goal aligned with who I am today or is it something the old version of me wanted? We're allowed to outgrow our goals. And kind of say, I don't quite have the fire for this anymore.

It just doesn't feel as important anymore. Things have changed in my life and it's time to let this go. Number three, does this goal energize me or drain me? So think about. You know, a flow state. Do I get into a flow state? Am I energized, excited? Like pursuing a goal will be hard, but is there still that energetic momentum behind it of it's worthwhileness, of the excitement that you have, thinking about accomplishing it and that there being [00:16:00] true value in that for you?

And does that energy fill you up or does it deplete you? You know, and you'll feel it physiologically. As you pose that question to yourself and just be brutally honest to yourself, and I think the next question will help you even more. Question four, if no one judged me for quitting, would I walk away?

And sometimes I like to say, if nobody knew, if nobody would know that I'd quit, would I walk away? Either version of that. So this is the real truth teller. This is. The question that reveals if it's really for us or if it's a performance type of goal, if it's got that energy of "should" in it, you know, would it feel relief to let it go?

And here is another question, question five. Again, helping to clarify this. Am I [00:17:00] holding onto this goal out of pride out of fear or identity? And those are not valid reasons to suffer. So then if we decide, after following that framework, asking those questions, really feeling in to the truth there, how do we quit the right way?

How do we quit productively? So the first thing is to acknowledge your identity shift. You know, I'm no longer a woman who wants this. I'm no longer a woman who is walking that path, or for whom that is important. Being true to who you are now, acknowledging that shift to release, the heaviness of the guilt that you associated with it.

You didn't fail, you evolved. Reframe that. Language is incredibly important, and the way we choose to describe our choices and our experiences impact the way that [00:18:00] we experience them. So choose language wisely. You're evolving, you're releasing and evolving. And three, tell yourself the true story. The goal was right for a past version of me, but it's no longer right for me.

It's not right for who I am now and the path that I am walking on now. And so I release it. Number four, reengage with a meaningful new goal. This is referring back to that earlier research by psychologist Carsten Wrosch at Concordia University. When he is talking about your ability to create new goals that feel meaningful, so reengage with a meaningful new goal.

It's not that you want to be releasing a goal or releasing one or two goals because they no longer represent who you are right now and the path that you're on, but reengage with meaningful with a meaningful [00:19:00] new goal. That's a really crucial step. We need forward momentum. We need to be in service of meaning in our lives. And number five, create closure.

I think ritual is really helpful here. Maybe write a letter to yourself that acknowledges that you are ending the pursuit of this goal because it no longer serves and aligns with you. Maybe you want to add in that you will now pursue this new meaningful goal. You know, say goodbye to it. Have some formalized ending

of the relationship with that goal. Because some goals we can have been pursuing and investing a lot of time, energy in over a long period of time and just saying, "Oh yeah, I'm not doing that any longer and I'm moving on", doesn't honor the expenditure of energy adequately sometimes. And when you infuse a little bit of ritual into closure, it [00:20:00] really helps you to let go of the goal,

the past goal, the goal that no longer serves you, with grace. And six, check in with your values. Knowing what matters most to you and why. That really helps you feel anchored and feel that you are in alignment with that life compass, that you are in service of what matters most to you. Your goals always want to reflect your values.

And so when you can remember your values, your goals are just ways of expressing those values. And it is normal for goals to need to change and to shift, but our values generally remain pretty constant. So checking in on your values is very helpful because that really is your anchor, not the goal. So I'm just picking up the New Scientist to read what the [00:21:00] actual front page says, and it's, "Give Up On Your Goals. Why endless grit can harm your health - and how to know when to quit". 

Such a different message than a lot of the messages you're probably seeing around on social media and other places right now. And I think it's a really important message. Because it is so easy for us to be hard on ourselves, to be dismissive of our efforts, to say, we're failures, we're losing. We'll never be enough.

We can't achieve this. We can't achieve that. And to make it mean something about who we are. And I really feel that the messages that I've been sharing today and the framework are an antidote to that. It really brings nuance into this area of goal setting and grit and perseverance and willpower. Those things are all very important, but there needs to be, there's always been something missing and that mindless pursuit of a goal [00:22:00] without this checking in and this ability to release goals, whether we're shelving them or releasing them permanently,

is so necessary if we are going to live lives that are really fulfilling and they aren't about beating ourselves into submission in service of a goal because we feel that it will mean something externally, but at our own core, it doesn't light us up anymore. It doesn't. The path that we're walking, it's not that

some days it's hard, It's that every day, or most days, it just feels like shit, this is crap. Like this is just so hard. I'm not enjoying this. I'm not enjoying my life because I am letting this goal that I am clinging to dictate the way I'm experiencing my life. And we're more than that. We're more than that.

If you needed some permission to let go of some goal that has been causing you a lot of distress, [00:23:00] this is your permission slip if you need it, your liberation, maybe your invitation to a turning point to audit that goal, to look at this framework, because choosing ourselves sometimes looks like quitting.

That's not failure. That is growth. That is evolution, that is self-honoring. That is a graceful and skillful and wise way to approach our lives and to recognize that it is a sacred life and it should not feel like a fucking grind. So. I hope this has served you. I hope you are looking after yourself, particularly at this busy time of year when there are lots of messages incoming on what you should be doing and how you should be doing it, and how you should be enjoying yourself, and all of those other messages that can feel energetically very heavy.

My invitation to you is to just go inward [00:24:00] and really tap into what you most need, what's going to serve you. Because your intuition knows, and we need to make more and more of an effort to turn off the messages from the outside world that are so loud and go inward and nurture ourselves and listen to that ancient wisdom that is always there.

That's it for me this week. I hope this has served you. I will see you next time. Take care. Bye.