Holiday Boundaries That Actually Work (Even with Difficult Family)

The holidays are magical… and also emotionally complicated.
You can do all the therapy, coaching, and mindfulness — but the moment you walk back into family dynamics, old patterns resurface fast.

In this episode, I’m sharing a holiday communication cheat sheet: five real-life scenarios + the exact scripts you can use to protect your peace, stay grounded, and navigate difficult or triggering family members with clarity and confidence.

We’re talking:
 • body comments
 • intrusive questions
 • emotional escalations
 • invisible labor
 • old childhood roles
 • and yes… the family narcissist

If you want to show up as your adult sovereign self this year instead of falling into old patterns, this one’s for you.

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Transcript

[00:00:00] Hi, and welcome back to the podcast. I am your host Eimear Zone, and today I was stopping by Starbucks, which I do way too often. They should give me stock in that company. But anyway, they had the red cups out, which made me think of the holidays are coming at us pretty quickly now as we get into November, and I felt

as wonderful and magical and meaningful as the holidays can be. Honestly, they can also be emotionally quite complicated. And we can spend our time, we can do the therapy, we can get coaching, we can do the mindfulness meditation practices, we can be feeling all zen and emotionally well regulated, and then we go back to our family of origin and holy crap.

It [00:01:00] all goes to shit. There's this, I can't remember which teacher said it or who they were referring to, but one of my mindfulness meditation teachers said this, if you think you're enlightened, just go spend the weekend with your family. The family is the hardest place to practice boundaries to emotionally self-regulate, because these are the people who helped wire our nervous systems in the first place.

So we're not just dealing with particular personalities, we're also dealing with history. We're dealing with patterns, roles, expectations, and the version of us that they're most comfortable with and that they like for us to show up as. It's really complex terrain, and that's why I want today to look at, I guess kind of like a holiday

cheat guide. I [00:02:00] wanna share some ways to navigate conversations over the holidays with difficult or triggering family members. And so this isn't about being perfect and pretending things are different than how they are. It's really about how you can stay authentically centered. And kind of inhabiting that calm centered space, that adult space where you are caring for yourself while still connecting to the family members and being able to enjoy the gathering as much as possible.

So let's dive in. Because it's not simple territory, but I wanna just offer you some phrases. I have five different scenarios which may resonate with you, some of them at least. And hopefully you'll find something in these different scenarios and in these options for how to communicate with family members that [00:03:00] you'll find useful and you'll be able to use in your own environment with your own family of origin.

So first one, when I was a kid, I was called Fatty as a nickname. By a family member, which then spread out into the neighborhood, and other people started to call me that too. So many women will be familiar with our bodies being commented on our eating habits being commented on, so let's shut that shit down.

Things like, oh, you're really eating that, or, oh, are you only eating that or you've lost weight, you can never fucking get it right. You've lost too much weight. You've put on weight. You're not eating enough, you're eating too much. You know, somebody's always got something to bloody well say. There's this feeling that you can comment on a woman's body with like with no consequences, that it's just open season, always on women's bodies and it isn't

Here's something that you can say. I [00:04:00] know you're coming from a place of care, but I'm not available for conversations about my body or what I'm eating. Let's talk about something fun. Tell me about the recent trip you went on.So that sort of deflects from the topic of your body, your eating habits, and it also just brings it into safer, more respectful and normal terrain like somebody's travel or their hobby.

It can be whatever, but you're kind of making a connection with them. I know it's coming from a place of care, so you are honoring the connection and the closeness of the time, but you're being very clear. I'm not available for conversations about my body or my eating habits. Let's talk about something else.

Let's talk about something fun. Hey, tell me about that trip you took, whatever. The short version is, and it depends right on the person, the circumstance. I'm not discussing my body today. I'm not discussing my eating habits, you know, and a smile. I hate to tell a woman to smile, but sometimes we know we need to do it.

Just like, hmm, it lands a little bit better. If that is something that you [00:05:00] experience, I hope that's helpful. Here's another one that I get a lot and. It's the life interrogations. You don't see a group of people very often and they just feel entitled then to hear everything about your life. And maybe it's private, even though they are family members.

It might be asking how your kids are doing. What job did your child get? when are you gonna retire? What job is your husband doing? What job are you doing? Like, I have people who have asked me , how much is he earning? How much are you earning? Really well over the line. And I have a daughter who's a senior in high school right now, and people will ask, where's she applying to college?

Where's she going? She doesn't want anyone to know that. She's quite private and she'll decide when she's gonna share that. So often this is difficult because people feel entitled to know our business. So here's something that you can say. [00:06:00] I know you're curious, but we're still figuring things out, so we're keeping that private for now.

Tell me what you have going on. I'd love to hear. Yeah. Or a shorter version. We're still in process. I'll share when things are clear or when we're ready. And again, I know it's annoying to say, but smile and tone help these land to just skillfully move the conversation along and away from what you are not ready to be discussing with certain people.

Not everybody is entitled to know your business even if they think they are just because they're related to you. Okay? Scenario number three, that person who just is very emotionally reactive, they might go from zero to a hundred in like 10 seconds. And if you are in conversation with somebody like that, I hear that this is upsetting, but I'm not willing to keep talking about this while [00:07:00] you're

activated. And maybe they'd be, they might be upset, but they might also be angry. There's just like this flooding of emotion into the conversation space and you might signal, Hey, let's just take a breather and come back to this later if we need to. So you're being respectful, but you're also, you know, setting that boundary going, Hey, you know, I'm not willing to keep talking while you're triggered or you're activated.

Let's take a breather. I can step away. We'll come back to this if it makes sense later. Or a shortened version. I wanna talk, but not like this. Yeah, not like this. Not now. Not like this. There'll be a better time, there'll be a better moment. So you're really modeling in this one sort of emotional adulthood, and that really helps everybody.

Here's scenario number four. So common for women, because when you think about the holidays, it's a lot and people have a lot of traditions and then they have a lot of expectations and people don't [00:08:00] like things to change sometimes. And if you are somebody who. Maybe you're a bit of a people pleaser or you just have gotten into the role of being the one who always hosts the Thanksgiving or the Christmas or some special tradition that you have in your own family, and it's just a lot of labor.

And maybe you've asked people before to support you and they just haven't been very forthcoming or you just haven't asked and you've ended up with everything on top of you, and it's just very depleting physically, emotionally, like you're not having fun. You're just like doing it all for everybody else.

It's really easy for us to fall into this role as women. Let's have a think about that. You might say something like, Hey, I love being together. I love when we're all together. But I can't take on the full load this year. You know, I can handle the hosting or providing the venue. Everyone can come over to my [00:09:00] place.

But who's going to do the other jobs? Who's gonna, who's gonna be cooking? Who's gonna be bringing the dessert? Who's gonna be helping tidy up afterwards? Getting these people signed up for it rather than people just assuming it's gonna be the way it always has been, or that you're gonna do all the stuff.

Or the short version of this is I can do one thing, but not everything. And again, I know it's annoying. But smile and tone really helps connection and helps to get people on board to volunteer and to offer and to help carry the load because really these celebrations are about everybody. They're about everybody.

And you know, the old adage, many hands make light work and there really should be many hands involved. And sometimes people just don't think innocently, don't think they're just so used to it being a certain way. It's not that they're not willing, it's just they haven't thought about it. And I think it's really [00:10:00] helpful sometimes to come to it like that and to think, oh, maybe they just never thought about it.

And um, I'm just gonna open up the conversation in this way. And it can be a really positive outcome and lead to a much more, um, you know, shared responsibility on the day, on the occasion. And then you are creating new traditions and something that has been difficult in the past, you felt maybe some creeping resentment over can be alleviated just by initiating the conversation.

So scenario five, you know the old roles, maybe it's your mother who talks to you like you're still 12, or your siblings expecting you to be , I don't know, the peacekeeper in the family, that that's your role and you need to step in when that dynamic in the conversation requires it. So you might say something like, I know this is our old rhythm, but I'm not willing to be spoken to like that anymore. Or I'm not

willing to take [00:11:00] on this responsibility anymore. If we can reset the tone. I'm happy to continue. We just need to raise this as like, that doesn't work for me anymore and we need to recalibrate. We need to, we need to reset the tone and you know, move forward in a different way with a different dynamic than maybe we have been engaged in up until now.

Yeah. Just because it's always been a certain way doesn't mean that it works for me anymore. So a short version of this is that tone doesn't work for me. Can we try again? So it's a beautiful way of just stepping out of the old way of things, being the old choreography, if you will. Now, here's our final and bonus scenario, navigating the family narcissist.

Do you have one of these in your family? It makes things very complicated indeed. It's the reason some of us don't go back home very often anymore, not naming names. So the family [00:12:00] narcissist is that person who must be the center of attention. Things revolve around them. They turn everything back to themselves.

They play the victim in the circumstances that they themselves have created. They never apologize. They get offended at the slightest boundary. They have an outsized sense of entitlement. They use subtle jabs or not so subtle jabs to keep you small. And when you complain about it, they say, oh. Don't be so politically correct or where's your sense of humor?

Come on, just having some fun. Recognize any of these? Okay, if you do, you may well have a family narcissist. So here's the truth. The truth that I wish I had known many years ago, so I wouldn't have wasted so much time on one particular person in my life. Narcissists do not do accountability. They don't.

They don't. [00:13:00] Not because they won't. They just can't. It's just isn't on their radar. They don't seem to have the emotional architecture for self-reflection or repair. Nothing's ever their fault, So why on earth would they feel motivated to make any changes? We're not going to get the apology. We're not gonna get the acknowledgement.

We're not gonna get the moment where they finally see our side and recognize their wrongdoing. It's never gonna come that mutual understanding that we're hoping for. It's never going to come. And the only person who suffers by holding onto this hope is us. So it's just, it's not a failure on our part.

It's not our own inadequacy that we can't make the thing happen, it's just the nature of the dynamic as fucking annoying as it is. That's just the way it is. [00:14:00] So the work here is not to try harder, not to keep trying all the different angles to help, you know, to make them see, or other people see, the work is to stop looking for the emotional nourishment from a fucking empty well. We have to give it to ourselves.

We have to be the source of that nourishment for ourselves. It's never ever gonna come from them. And in that way, we really reclaim our power in this situation and we stop orienting around who we think they should be. Because they ain't that person, unfortunately. They just aren't. And we have to start choosing ourselves in this really profound way by saying, who do I choose to be in their presence?

If you have to be in their presence and you choose to be in their presence. So here are some go-to scripts when they try to pull you into drama. I hear you're upset. I'm not having this [00:15:00] conversation. If we keep things light, I'm here. If not, I'll step away. You really need to be clear and empowered when you're communicating with them.

When they make the cutting comment, I love this one. Hmm. That wasn't necessary. And you might like to add, I'm going to get some air. So you deprive them of the emotional payoff by not giving them any reaction. It's almost like looking at them curiously like, Hmm, that wasn't necessary. I think I'll step away and get some air.

When they demand something, because everything should always be done for them by other people, and every demand that they make is completely reasonable and that the response from you might be, I know that matters to you, but I'm not taking that on full stop period. The end, okay. When they rewrite history because they are not operating from [00:16:00] facts or truth.

They're totally in their own fabricated story and sense of reality, which justifies their behavior. So there is no shared reality. So the response is, I'm not going back over that. Let's stay in the present. Or, you know, we both know that we're not operating from a shared reality, so let's just stay in the present and keep things light.

Something like that, you know, it's clean, dignified, and it's emotionally sovereign. You really wanna feel centered and grounded and not reactive. So just to wrap up, it's tough. The holidays sometimes, if you're going to spend it and with family of origin or people who you haven't seen in a while or can activate you in this way.

So if you feel more reactive, if you feel more sensitive, if you feel more irritable, [00:17:00] resentful, even, or if you feel like more self-doubting, it doesn't mean that you're failing and something's wrong. It means that you're human and you're operating in a complex arena, which is family relationships.

And when we begin to set boundaries like this and speak our truth more clearly in these ways, it can be a little bit jarring for some people. So the win isn't perfection. It really is about staying grounded in our sovereign self for longer than we might normally do. And when we feel that it's getting a little bit too much, just stepping away, stepping away, and giving to ourself what nurture and nourishment that we need so that we can be well. Our wellbeing is what's most important and staying centered and true to our needs.

So the invitation this year is simple. Take one of these phrases with you or a number of [00:18:00] them, depending on your situation and what you feel that you need, and use them to keep grounded to remind you that you get to choose how you show up. You get to choose what you share. You get to choose. And it's a profound,

profoundly powerful way of choosing yourself is being able to set these boundaries in the most difficult terrain possible, which is our family, which is typically, often, I guess we wouldn't really expect it, but it does turn out to be, that it's most difficult in our family of origin. So you're not failing.

It's very normal and it's very helpful if we take a little bit of extra time to prepare ourselves to meet these moments of challenge in that environment with a little bit more skill and a little bit more wisdom. So we really want to protect our peace. We want to honor our needs. And remember this, you don't [00:19:00] have to go back to the old family dynamic.

You get to create one that suits you and serves you. And you can do that by using some of what I've shared in this short episode today. So wishing you a great rest of your week. Look after you. You are amazing. You deserve everything. Be kind to yourself and I'm looking forward to seeing you next time.

Take care. Bye.