The Power of Boundaries: Fuel Your Dreams Not Your Fears

In this essential episode, we explore how setting healthy boundaries allows us to create what we want, protect what we value, and change what's not working in our lives. We examine common symptoms of poor boundaries, from feeling constantly exhausted to experiencing relief when commitments get canceled. The episode debunks the myth that boundaries are selfish, revealing instead how they reflect self-knowledge and self-respect. Learn practical strategies for saying no effectively, including how to handle pushback and recognize manipulation tactics. Discover why the only people who get upset about your boundaries are those who benefited from you not having any, and get actionable steps for building your boundary-setting muscle.

EPISODE HIGHLIGHTS

00:00 Introduction: Why boundaries matter

02:15 Common symptoms of poor boundaries

04:30 Myths about boundary setting

08:45 The truth about boundaries

12:30 How to set and maintain boundaries

18:20 Handling pushback

22:15 Signs of progress

25:00 Conclusion and resources

KEY TAKEAWAYS

- Boundaries aren't selfish - they're self-trust in action

- Only people who benefited from your lack of boundaries will resist them

- The discomfort of setting boundaries is temporary

- Self-trust grows as you follow through with boundaries

- Your "no" to others is a "yes" to yourself

QUOTABLE MOMENTS

"If a relationship cannot survive you naming and claiming your needs, what kind of relationship is that?"

"The only people who get upset when you set boundaries are the ones who benefited from you not having any."

"Feeling sick to the stomach is just excitement in less fashionable attire."

PRACTICAL TOOLS

1. The No Script: Simple, direct language for declining requests

2. The Naming Game: Identify manipulation tactics

3. The Broken Record Technique: Staying firm with your "no"

4. The Energy Audit: Identifying drains vs. heaters

RESOURCES

📚 The Elegant No Course: Learn more about setting boundaries with confidence

📖 Recommended Reading: "Let Them" by Mel Robbins

NEXT STEPS

Make your list of what you're "no longer available for"

Practice one small "no" today

Start tracking your energy drains and heaters

CONNECT WITH EIMEAR

📱 Instagram: @eimearzonecoach

💻 Website: eimearzone.com 📧

Email: hello@eimearzone.com

Subscribe to Girl, Choose Yourself on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

© 2025 Eimear Zone Coaching. All rights reserved.

Transcript

The Power of Boundaries: Fuel Your Dreams Not Your Fears

Hi and welcome back to the podcast. This week, we're talking about boundaries, which I believe is a really essential life skill that none of us are taught, very few of us master, and many of us suffer from the lack of them. If you can learn to skillfully and wisely say no, you can create what you want, protect what you value, and change what's not working for you in your life.

Let's talk about boundaries. Maybe you recognize some of these symptoms of having poor boundaries:

- Feeling exhausted or constantly stretched too thin

- Struggling to say no to new commitments

- Saying yes to things you don't even want to do

- Automatically saying yes just to avoid disappointing others

- Feeling resentment after saying yes to things

- Feeling elation when something you've committed to gets canceled

Let's look at some myths around boundaries. First, "boundaries are selfish" is a big one. "I can't say no, because that makes me a mean, horrible, selfish, unkind person." Setting a boundary doesn't make you selfish. It's a reflection of your self-knowledge and self-respect. You can still care about other people without taking on their needs and wants and prioritizing those.

Consider this - if a relationship cannot survive you naming your needs and claiming them by saying no, what kind of relationship is that? You can't truly choose yourself if you're constantly putting other people first. Boundaries and your no protect what you are saying a wholehearted yes to in your life, and it's you who gets to choose what that yes is going to be. Nobody else gets to determine what should be important to you or what you should want to do.

Often we wake up overstretched, overcommitted, feeling resentful, unfulfilled, and not having time for the projects we say are important to us, feeling sadness about that. At the core of it is we haven't got good boundaries, and we don't even know where to start. Nobody taught us.

Boundaries are speaking your truth and meeting our needs. That means we recognize they are important enough, and we are important enough for those needs to be met. Boundaries are limits we set for ourselves and commitments we make to ourselves. In that, we create space for what is most important and what will fill us up in our lives. A boundary delineates the space between ourselves and others - where I end and you begin.

For some people, they overstep into other people's terrain by overhelping them. We almost infantilize other people by taking on responsibilities that we have no business being in. This can be rooted in "I want you to like me, I want you to need me." That's problematic if we're getting that external value. We need you to like me, and to get you to like me, I will start doing all these things for you. Then you get used to that, and I'm time poor, waiting for you to say thank you and treat me a certain way. It doesn't work like that. There are expectations that somebody else will behave a certain way because we do these things for them.

As I said, boundaries is a very big area, and in this episode, we're not going to be able to deal with all these different scenarios, but I wanted to raise that one because it's so common. It may be something you recognize in yourself if you're a people pleaser, if you're an overhelper.

Every time we're setting a boundary, we're choosing ourselves instead of prioritizing external validation, external approval. The other person saying "Thank you so much for doing that for me" feeds some people's sense of self that "I'm liked." We're really choosing ourselves in a profound way when we're prioritizing ourselves above any sense of external approval or being liked. Boundaries signal to yourself and to others that your time, your energy, and your wellbeing matter.

Let's face it - we really need to get clear on what we love and what we want from life, that we're going to say a huge wholehearted yes to. That's the yes we're protecting. We can't just work harder to keep up with all those other yeses we're giving to other people and still be able to honor our own yes.

Remember this: When you start to set boundaries, the only people who get upset are the ones who benefited from you not having any or having very weak boundaries. The people who want the very best for you, who want you to live into the fullest, most magnificent expression of who you are - they know that you can't be committing to everybody else's requests.

Let's look at the how-to, because that's the tricky bit for many people, especially if you've been lax in this area. Step one: get clear on what you're no longer going to be available for. You can't set boundaries if you haven't identified what drains you. 

I loved this thing I saw in an interview with Reese Witherspoon, where she was talking about wisdom from her mother: some people are heaters and other people are drains. You feel that energy - spend time with some people and you feel wrecked, while other people are like a dose of sunshine and fill you up.

Look at what's draining you:

- What activities

- What social settings

- Which individuals are really draining for you

- What you're no longer available for

- What you're no longer willing to tolerate

Think about making a list. Maybe you signed up as a volunteer for some committee, and people have expected you to continue being available, and it's too draining. Maybe it's work requests outside your job description that keep coming your way, and you've said yes, and people are used to you saying yes. An example might be "I'm no longer available for last-minute favors that throw off my schedule."

When you're actually thinking about the inbound requests and saying no, use simple, direct language. Particularly if you're somebody who struggles with this, don't go into a big explanation. You don't owe an explanation - a short response is typically enough.

This is very context sensitive. If you're having a conversation with your boss at work and thinking of declining a request, there'll be considerations based on the specifics of that context. What I'm speaking about here isn't going to fit into all contexts, and you're going to need to consider that in a broader sense.

For now, let's pare it down to its simplest form when delivering a no to a request. Keep it short:

"I appreciate you asking, but I can't commit to that right now"

"I don't have the bandwidth for this, but I hope you find the help you need"

"That doesn't work for me"

If you're typically a people pleaser, get the no out clearly at the beginning of your response: "No, I can't make that work for me. Thanks for thinking of me."

If you're somebody who's an automatic yes or is struggling with this, give yourself a little pause and then: "No, that doesn't work for me." "No, I can't help you out this time. I hope you find somebody who can."

Expect pushback. You're going to have to hold the line. Lots of people say they can set a boundary but they can't hold it. And if you can't hold a boundary, it isn't a boundary - it's just wishful thinking. Expect people to resist when you start setting boundaries. This is typically true if you've been the go-to person for lots of things, and you're now choosing to prioritize and choose yourself. People might push you to relent and change your mind.

You're going to potentially feel guilty. Accept that: "I'm experiencing a sensation of guilt." Guilt isn't a sign that you're doing something wrong in this situation - it's a sign that you're breaking an old pattern. Remember other people's feelings are not our responsibility. When you see somebody upset or irritated that you've set a boundary, it's not our responsibility to make them feel better. Allow other people to be adults.

Here's a fun game that helps you not take what they might say personally. It gives you space to get detached from it and to not be reactive. We want to stay centered in our decision, in our choice of choosing ourselves. Listen to their comeback and name it. For example:

Flattery: "But you're so good at this. You did such a great job when you volunteered last year. We really need you. There's no one else who can do it as well as you can."

Guilt and emotional manipulation: "What are we going to do now? There's nobody else who can do it. The whole project is going to be a disaster if you don't step up. If I'd known you were going to say no, I would have asked somebody else, but it's far too late."

By listening and naming it - misrepresentation, personal attack, whatever it is - it gives you a sense of detachment. Then you can come back to your no statement.

A little tip: when you've said no and you're having a lot of pushback, use the broken record technique. Stay polite and grounded and hold your boundary by just repeating it simply: "No, that doesn't work for me. I'm sorry I can't help you out this time. No, that doesn't work for me." Being a broken record doesn't give anybody new material to find a chink within your no.

One of your greatest powers is the power not to react when somebody else is reacting to your no. Stay grounded. Broken record. Every no to someone else is a yes to myself, and yeses to yourself are really important.

When you start saying no, it can feel awkward or even scary. But self-trust grows as you follow through with your no and hold that line of the boundary. I heard someone once say "feeling sick to the stomach is just excitement in less fashionable attire." The discomfort is real and temporary, and it's in service of your yes and what you value and want to protect.

Reality check: some people will not like it, and you may lose some people. I have had relationships that have changed, and I have distanced myself from people who have been hugely problematic when I have expressed and held important boundaries. If a relationship cannot survive me naming and claiming my needs, is it worth maintaining? At least consider separating yourself to a degree or being very intentional about how you choose to spend time with such individuals.

Remember, if you're not living a life of your own design, that's an enormous price to pay just to avoid the temporary discomfort boundary setting involves. You'll feel more in control of your life and have more energy for what truly matters when you begin to set and hold boundaries.

Signs that you're making progress:

- You'll feel less resentful in your relationships

- You'll no longer be saying yes just to be liked

- You trust yourself more because you follow through

- You become a promise keeper to yourself

That's the kind of behavior that ripples out into other areas of your life. Making and keeping promises to yourself will improve every area of your life.

Key takeaways:

- Boundaries aren't selfish - they are self-trust in action

- Saying no helps you build more freedom, energy and peace for the things that matter

- If you're struggling, start with one small no today

If you'd like to dive deeper into this whole topic of boundaries, saying no with confidence and ease, I have a course called "The Elegant No" - you'll find all the details in the show notes.

I want to close this episode with a quote from Mark Twain about why boundaries matter: "Twenty years from now, you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore, dream, discover." To live a life like that, boundaries are essential.